Faith

I'm having somewhat of a small faith crisis. Maybe it's not so small. I'm having trouble trusting in God's goodness. I'm having trouble in trusting a God who lets people suffer, who lets children die, who has let my sister get cancer for the third time. And a God who has yet to heal her. I hear of so many people with illness, specifically cancer, and when you hear of a 13-year-old or seven-year-old dying from this disease it makes me angry with God and I wonder how I can trust Him with my sister and with my own life. Then I think, well, the thing is God could heal her, but because of this free choice thing, he chooses to not always intervene. Though miracles do happen, I do believe that. I'm trying to keep hope. I keep thinking of my dad, and how God brought him through his medical crisis, and how doctors are amazed at how well he is doing and that he came out as well as he did. God answered our prayers. And maybe He's answering our prayers with my sister, we just can't see how yet. Still, it's very challenging when it feels as if our prayers remain unanswered. But I'm still going to pray, and attempt to trust, and keep hope.

Peppermint patties and Fast Breaks, a complicated love

If you're like me, when the stress starts piling on, and brings you to the breaking point, nothing helps relieve such tension then a good ol' peppermint patty. Or a Fast Break, or Snickers or Butterfinger, or dark chocolate or...can you tell what's on my mind? About an hour ago I was staring at my computer, unable to focus with my mind running in circles. I looked at my half eaten carrot and thought of taking a bite. But really, what I was desiring was something much more unhealthy. On a fling I grabbed my purse, ran out the office door and drove my trusty Buick to the nearest Target. Getting out of the car into the hot sun I had but one goal in mind. The candy section near the electronics part of the store. No one better get in my way, I'm a woman on a mission, I think to myself. I try to act calm as I come closer to this heavenly section of mouth melting goodness. I see an eight pack of peppermint patties, my candy of choice, but then of course I love peanut butter as well so a package of Fast Break was also needed. After paying for my purchase I walk hastily to the car, start the engine (and the air conditioning) and rip open a package, savoring the delicious minty taste of this peppermint goodness. You'd think I'd be satisfied but those Fast Breaks looked so lonely sitting in the package, just begging to be eaten. I try one as well. The savory taste of peanut butter brightens my senses and already I'm feeling better. As I pull into the parking lot at work, I take a couple more of my scrumptious treats inside, which are quickly devoured in a manner of minutes.

yoga and death

This morning I thought this blog would be about yoga. I've started doing yoga in the mornings again and as I listened to the instructor on the dvd saying, "soften your heart" I figured I would ramble on about how does one "soften your heart"? Amazenly though, when I try to do this task, I think I know what she means. Not that I could explain it. You just have to do it. I think.

Anyway, the main thing on my mind now though isn't yoga, but more thoughts about my husband and his family right now. His grandmother, who has been ill for awhile since her husband passed, went to be with God this morning. It really is a blessing, because she wasn't happy here anymore. She wanted to be with her husband and to be done with the sufferings of this world. And God finally took her home. We know it's a blessing, yet we're left here to deal with our own emotions and saddness in the loss of a loved one. It makes me wonder, what really happens to us when we die? Do we go to heaven, where we are surrounded by those who have passed on before us? Or are we merely gone, we no longer exist, in this world or another world? What do you think? What are your views on the afterlife? As a Christian, even in my doubts I come back to belief in God and heaven where there is no more pain or sorrow, but love and joy! A place where Iwill see my grandpa again, who died more than a year ago. A place where my husband will see both this grandparents who are now united together. A place where my grandma will one day see her husband again, and so it continues. I feel the presence of God in my life and I do believe. Yes, I really do believe in a God who loves us and will welcome us home someday. It's just that death is such an unknown. Yet even in my doubts, I come back to the realization that I do believe.

To blog or not to blog

I am not sure I understand the concept of blogging. As it's grown ever popular in our internet dominated world I have shied away from creating a blog, not sure what it would benefit and not sure the purpose. Yet after speaking with yet another dedicated blogger, I decided it was time to give it a try. I'm not sure what I'll write about, or how long this may last, but as a writer, I guess it's good to explore different styles of writing. So here's to an attempt, we will see where it goes.